My wife thinks so highly of me. I’m smart,have a degree, have a job...she says.
‘You put a smile on everyone’s face you meet’ she says.
To me I don't do that. I’m just not an ass to them. I give them what I thought was common courtesy of respect and decency. I don't really ‘dooooo’ anything. For me I have not succeeded. I feel in my heart I have failed somewhere along the way but don’t want to verbalize it, because then it will become true. I feel I let her down. Too many of the stresses I showcase to her are related to finances.
She assures me ‘I got ya back, we're in this together’
I believe her. I no reason not to. For whatever reason finances enslave my mood and pour failure into my beliefs. I pay too much, owe too much, make too little. Whatever the case no, I have yet to succeed. She won’t relinquish the fact that we got married the same year my mom passed. That guilt she feels is not her burden to bare, but my failure to reconcile the guilt she feels is my burden to bare. This is supposed to be our year, yet it was shrouded in death, accidents, and pain. For that I am sorry to her for my failure. I will not apologize, nor will I ask my wife to apologize for bringing a numbing happiness that we can flaunt from chaotic relationship.
I feel I have made small strides towards not feeling like a failure. Yet finances still hold my soul captive. The thought of having things ‘handled’ is crippling. It puts me in a state of mind I don’t want to be in. She calls it ‘my head’...’get out of your head’ she’ll say. It usually takes a few attempts I sometimes come to, other times not so much.
I’m not saying I have everything figured out, but what I am saying is that I have not taken over my own destiny. This is where I begin. This is where we find ourselves. Unfortunately, the knot at the back of my throat reminds me my mom isn’t here to cheer me on in those failures. Slowly but surely I am finding out..
‘I think that I found myself a cheerleader, she is always right there when I need her!’
One day at a time is all anyone can do, but the days take so long, so make the most of each one!
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